To Blog...or Not to Blog...

I've been struggling over the last few days over whether or not to write this post.  As you can see, I've decided to write it....and I hope you'll accept it with an open mind and an open heart, as it's taken a lot to put myself out here at the most vulnerable time in my life. 


The month of June was physically hard for me.  On three separate occasions I experienced about an hour of cramping and spotting, and we weren't entirely sure what was happening.  The last time was on Carly's birthday, June 19th. On June 24, we found out we were expecting another baby.  We were so excited!! We had talked back in March and decided that we'd like to add another member to our family...we could barely keep from shouting it from the rooftops!! We told our parents, a few select friends, scheduled our first doctors appointment, and starting dreaming of how our lives would change next February when our baby came.  


Last Thursday, July 8th, I had my first obstetricians appointment.  We picked a new doctor, so we had a little "getting to know you" time, discussed how things were when Carly was born. He went over all the tests that were available, went over the "do's and don'ts of being pregnant" ... as He left the room, he told us to schedule an appointment for our first ultrasound the next week.  About 2 minutes later, he comes back in the room and says my pregnancy test was negative. He decides to take blood and send it off to a lab for confirmation. If this blood test was positive, I would have to take another one the next week to see if the levels increased or decreased before we had a for sure answer. I had to wait until Friday afternoon for the results from the first blood test.


At this point, I am dying inside.  I'd had a funny feeling leading up to the doctors visit, but I just couldn't put my finger on what could be wrong.  I chalked it up to being nervous about a new doctor.  In a matter of 30 minutes, I went from planning our future as a four member family, to mourning a child that I didn't even realize I had lost. What kind of Mom doesn't realize she lost her baby? 


I called my Mom and My Step Mom to tell them what the doctor had said...and I composed an email for our other family and friends because I just couldn't handle going through the story over and over. Nor did I, in my RAW state of emotion, want anyone else to tell me that God had a plan and He knew what He was doing. All I could see was that God's plan was to cause us immense pain. I asked our friends and family to pray for us as we went through the next twenty four hours of not knowing...and I started praying for a negative blood test. 


Before you judge me...understand, I could not go through a week of limbo, waiting to take a second blood test, only to be let down with a negative result.  I knew, deep in my heart, that our baby was gone. We weren't pregnant anymore. The best possible thing was for that test to be negative. I don't know that I have ever begged God for a blessing as much as I did for that negative blood test. 


Thursday night, Todd and I talked, and prayed, and cried....and I cried and cried and cried and cried. On Friday, I got up, with a blanket of peace over my whole mind, body, and soul.  I can't remember a night that I rested that well.  I continued my Friday as I had planned it and waited for the Doctors office to call. 


Thankfully, God, in his infinite grace, gave us our negative blood test results on Friday afternoon. 


How are we? We are good. Honestly good. We know that God has a plan for our family, and He knows what's best.  We are hopeful that we will receive the blessing of more children in our family, but we are also peaceful with the thought of our family being just the three of us. 


I am certain that God doesn't intend on us to go through life's struggles alone. As I shared our doctor's office results with friends who had celebrated our new baby with us, most haven't responded. I am well aware that sometimes, you don't know what to say to people. But, personally, I would rather you say the wrong thing than avoid me. 


I don't want pity, please know that. I just want other women who have experienced this to know, we don't have to be ashamed. I know that this miscarriage was not my fault or my husband's fault. God isn't punishing Todd and I for some bad decision we made.  


I hope that this blog reaches someone who maybe has been through the same thing.  I pray that if you haven't experienced this pain, that you won't have to.  But to those of us who know what this feeling is...don't hide it. Don't carry the burden alone. Share with your spouse, your friends, your small group. Let people love you and care for you.  


I have to say...I knew that I had a couple of friends that I could count on through anything. Friends that called or texted me over the first few days just to say "I'm thinking about you". What a blessing that was! But I also had people that weren't "close" friends say, "Hey, I've been there". I got an unexpected phone call from someone who said 'Isn't it crazy how it hits you?" 


I firmly believe that God didn't design us to "do life alone" ... and that's why I have shared this story with the universe. In my weakest moment, God has revealed to me my support system.  Some members I expected and some were the most pleasant surprise. If you called me, texted me, emailed me, prayed for me, THANK YOU!! From the bottom of the deepest depths of my soul, THANK YOU! 


I may never know God's full reason for us to experience this pain, but I have already have been shown that God is using this situation for His Good and my own. 

Romans 8:28 (The Message)

 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.