Tales from our Homestead...: August 2012

In July 2010, I decided to take a leap and totally expose our family's heartbreak with the whole world. (http://toddandmandywatson.blogspot.com/2010/07/to-blogor-not-to-blog.html) On our daughter's 2nd birthday, we had our first miscarriage. I was devastated and angry. I had unrealistic expectations on how my friends should react. It was raw, unbridled emotion. Reading it today, I can still remember how every cell in my body was in disbelief. I was so hurt. My anger could be calculated in direct reference to how many times I heard "God has a plan"... (On a side note, that's not very comforting in the heat of the moment, so wait a bit before offering that bit of insightfulness to someone in the midst of personal tragedy.)

Even though we had been through this awful experience...we decided to continue on our journey to grow our little family from 3 to 4. Through all of this, God blessed me with two very special friendships. We were all on a different version of the same journey: To Grow our families. One of my friends, K, easily had her first daughter, and the other, M, had been pregnant and suffered a miscarriage close to the end of her first trimester. I cannot speak for them, but these ladies helped my mental health and faith so much in the darkest time in my life. You don't understand unless you've walked in our shoes, and it's so hard to expose yourself to people who cannot even begin to understand your pain. It's hard hearing advice from someone who just doesn't know - and that applies to any situation.

In March 2011, we found out we were expecting again. I was hesitantly excited. Our first doctors appointment was at the beginning of May, I waited until I was 9 weeks because I wanted to see a certain doctor. But when the appointment was merely days away...I started to feel very uneasy. I remember talking to my mom and saying "Surely, God isn't going to do this to us again..." But our baby didn't have a heartbeat. It passed away at 7 weeks and 4 days (roughly). The doctor said I had options; I could have a procedure, I could take a drug that would induce the miscarriage or...I could wait it out. We came home, talked it over, and decided to wait. Thankfully, it only took a week, and I was able to safely deal with it on my own. To be honest, part of me died. I have never been more aware of what was happening to me than those few days. I was scared, hurt, and felt like it was a hopeless situation. I was unsure if I still wanted to travel my journey. My husband wanted to keep going, but his pain wasn't the same as mine. I'm not discounting what he felt, I'm just saying...being a mom is different.

In July, I went back to the doctor so they could run tests and help us to figure out why we were able to have Carly so easily...but now we were struggling. They were doing blood work for all kinds of things, and the doctor had them do a pregnancy test, just in case. IT WAS POSITIVE. I have never been more shocked in my life. I'll never forget that afternoon. However, I was JUST BARELY pregnant. I was in and out of the doctors office for the next month every couple days for ultrasounds and blood work. Thankfully...this pregnancy was meant to be.

My Two friends were starting new parts of their journeys. They were starting injections and fertility treatments. The three of us soldiered on together, praying forcefully for the well being of my baby, and the creation of theirs.

My one friend, K, has an awesome blog. She is the most crafty and resourceful person I know! She can figure out how to do anything. I had been encouraging her to be honest about her journey...

and in November she made her first post: http://southerndisposition.blogspot.com/2011/11/infertility.html , February her second: http://southerndisposition.blogspot.com/2012/02/infertility-part-ii.html,
March her third: http://southerndisposition.blogspot.com/2012/03/infertility-part-iii-life-after-ectopic.html

and last night...her final post on her (in)Fertility Journeyhttp://southerndisposition.blogspot.com/2012/08/infertility-part-iv-final-update.html

I'm sharing this with you...because maybe your journey is similar to mine, or maybe it's similar to her's. I think the most invaluable thing I have learned through all of this is that I'm truly not alone in what I have been through or how I feel. And I'm sharing her story with you today because, well, even if you've never been there, you should read it. Not everyone gets pregnant the first try. Not everyone who easily has their first child, can have the same "luck" from then on...

It's also worth mentioning that our other friend, is finally pregnant and their baby is due in December. I've been so proud of her for her sticking to what she and her husband have wanted even when it's unpopular. Much to the chagrin of some family and friends, they are waiting until the baby is born to know the sex. (yeah!) They've waited so long they want to enjoy every bit of excitement, joy and surprise.

All of our journeys are worth celebrating...and they aren't over. My husband is one of 4, and I am one of 3...but also, we have our hearts set on a boy. I'll continue on this journey until it's over. Since the birth of our daughter, Ella Rose in March, We have lost another baby. We have 5 children now ... two here in our home, growing and thriving every day...and three in heaven dancing and playing until one of us gets there to bless them with a name. I mourn them, but I am not concerned about them...between Jesus and GangGang, I know they are being taken care of.

I hope the honesty of one or both of us blesses you. K is on of my heroes. I'd be so proud to be just like her when I grow up...

"It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,

How dare you?

I miss you

They say I’ll be OK

But I’m not going to ever get over you"

Over You - By Miranda Lambert

I can't believe it's been six months (yesterday) since GangGang passed away. I don't think I've really accepted it. Visiting Bluffton last week was really weird. It was the first time since we were there for her funeral. I kept expecting her to come walking into the kitchen with her walker. To say I miss her is a huge understatement. I am amazed at how someone affected my life so much in a short period of time and from long distance!

I tell Ella Rose about GangGang a lot. I never want us to forget her or not talk about her. I want Ella to know everything about the amazing lady she's named after.

It's selfish, but I wish she was still here. She lived a very long and very full life. I'm just not ready to give her up yet. I know she's healed, and reunited with her husband in heaven...and I know I'll see her again.

I miss you so much, GangGang. Have fun playing with my babies until I get to heaven too. I know you'll be waiting for all of us with open arms.