Sunday, December 16, 2012

I Walked Away...Alzheimer's Sucks

     I'm not even sure what the point of this post is. All I know is that the past few days I've had to come face to face with something I have tried to run from for years. Where do I even begin? Well, let's start at the very beginning...

     I am a child of divorce. And through that hard bit of life, I have also had the privilege of having an extra family it seems. Two extra parents, extra brothers, and two extra sets of grandparents. I was in the 7th grade when my parents started dating new people, and my Mom met a man younger than her by 7 years. He became my stepdad when I was 15. Noah has always been great to me and my brother Chess. But this story isn't about him, it's about his mom. 

     When we met Aundria, she didn't have grandkids yet, but she always treated Chess and me like family. She is by far the kindest person I have ever met in my life. I never heard her say anything negative about anyone, ever. I never heard her raise her voice or speak in anything other than a soft tone of voice. Not like I've forgotten if she had...she really didn't. She hosted us almost every Sunday for lunch. She made the best creamed potatoes. I can still remember how they tasted. I wish we had learned her secret to those awesome potatoes. 

     About 8 or 9 years ago, she started to forget things. One Sunday she put flour in the tea instead of sugar. Another Sunday, she added cinnamon. You know...just little things that we could kind of giggle about on our way home. It was 7 1/2 years ago she was diagnosed with Dimentia/Alzheimer's.  I'll never forget that phone call. I was working for Clinique in a department store, and I sat down right in the middle of the floor and listened to my mom tell me that eventually she wouldn't know me. And she'd never know my children. Not because she was sick and wouldn't be living, but because she wouldn't have the ability to remember. The last time that stands out to me that she and I truly interacted was at my wedding reception. That was 6 years ago. 

     For 6 years, I've only visited her a little because it was so hard to see her on this journey. She's been living in an assisted care facility for 3 1/2 years now. Until this weekend, I'd only visited her once or twice. I know how horrible it sounds. I'm an adult, no one was going to make me go...but it was so hard to see her so disconnected. Now, her journey is coming to an end. 

     This weekend, I've had to come to terms with the fact that when things got tough, I walked away out of my own selfishness. It was as though if I didn't have to see what was really happening to her, it wasn't. I didn't have to accept it. Total denial. If you've never had a loved one to go through having this illness, you just can't understand. It's not a forgotten thing here or there...it's total forgetfulness. Even forgetting that you shouldn't put your hands in your dinner plate or how to do even the simplest things. One day, she just didn't walk anymore. It's loving someone who no longer has the ability to even chose to love you in return. 

     The past two days, I've gone to see her and just watched her sleep. It's been an odd experience because she was always so very ladylike and I think if she knew she was snoring in front of us she would not like it one bit. But she doesn't know...she's been gone for a long time. Alzheimer's is like having someone die twice. It's the only situation I've ever witnessed where it genuinely feels hopeless. There's no turn around. You just don't come out of it. 

     So, this post, I guess, is an apology. It's a way for me to say I'm sorry to someone who will never hear me, but didn't notice I wasn't around.

     Kindness, genuine, unconditional kindness is one thing about her I will never ever forget.  My beloved Grandmother, Aundria, is only 68 years old. She hasn't known me for a while now. But I'll always remember her. 

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